Today was the one year anniversary of the suicide of the person I was more spiritually connected with than I have been with anyone or anything in this lifetime. He wasn't my lover or husband or boyfriend or child. As it turned out, he began as a client, transformed into a business partner, and ended up (litearlly) being something I never expected but my soul knew from the beginning.
He was, and is, is my greatest teacher.
He was beautiful, far more beautiful than he would allow himself to know. He was brilliant and hysteriallcy witty; he was also lonely and full of self loathing. He was a text-book narcisist and God only knows what else. He was a master at living only in survival mode and self preservation. He was also trying HARD to overcome himself... he was very smart like that; very self actualized. I was safe and he let me inside. He "loved me. sincerely". His words. An honor and a curse.
He had been sexually abused by his mother for years all before the age of five... his scars ran deep. Then physically and emotional abused. Really fucking deep.
I had not suffered the same physical injustices and did not act out in the same ways he did, but it became clear over time that I had many of the same wounds. He was kind and giving, and with all due respect (and he'd certainly agree), the most selfish fucked up and mean asshole ANYONE could ever come across in this life.
And he knew it too...the more he loved you the harder he would push you away. I was jettisoned into again - God knows where - but it was as far away as he could possibly try to push anyone. You hurt the ones you love the most. Fact.
The pain of his sucide was trumped only by the pain of watching him spiral the 14 months before he took his life. Every single day was like watching a movie - from afar - knowing exactly how it was going to end. Somehow hoping that miraculously, the film would break and the end would never be seen.
I knew thought. Not because I'd read the script but because I was that connected to the character. And not because I was suicidal... simply because I could feel what he was feeling like a mother feels her child's pain or like a twin feels the pain of their twin. Again...there are not words in the English language to accurately describe what our connection was. It just simply...was.
Since he transitiioned back to non-physical - an interesting phrase has taken the place of "death" in my vocabulary...I have learned more from him than I did when he was living.
I believe that because of the type of connection we had, whatever that was, that the gifts I have been given since he transitioned have been the most meaningful I have or will - ever be given. (THANK GOD!)
He has become my "touchstone" to the other side... and I can honestly tell you, that the sorrow and pain have been accompanied by one astounding thing after another... and it is those things I wish to share with you all... because, especially as we age, we are all going to lose family and friends and to be able to know - really know - that they are "nothing has changed... they are just around the corner or in the other room - where we cannot see them" changes everything. If. We. Allow it.
Honestly, I don't know what they "mean"... but what I do know, is they happened exactly as I tell them to you here and that they make me think; they make me happy.
And I will continue to share what I have learned because I can not help but think that there is someone out there who will read this, who will also find my beautiful friend to be their greastest teacher too (by proxy)...and how happy that would make us both! AND I hope... us all!
SO.... let's start with this one:
.....Open your eyes Look up to the skies and see I'm just a poor boy, I need no sympathy Because I'm easy come, easy go A little high, little low Anyway the wind blows, doesn't really matter to me, to me
Mama, just killed a man Put a gun against his head Pulled my trigger, now he's dead Mama, life had just begun But now I've gone and thrown it all away
Mama, ooo Didn't mean to make you cry If I'm not back again this time tomorrow Carry on, carry on, as if nothing really matters
Too late, my time has come Sends shivers down my spine Body's aching all the time Goodbye everybody I've got to go Gotta leave you all behind and face the truth Mama, ooo (anyway the wind blows) I don't want to die I sometimes wish I'd never been born at all